Tiny Dragon

Everybody, be they human, alien or puddle of ordinary-yet-strangely-sinister muddy water, needs a dragon to keep them company. Some people, including me, require several. But where does one get these dragons? Answer: One makes them.

Most people don't have the room, patience or large amounts of fresh T-Rex meat to house and look after a fully grown dragon. So I decided to make a mini one. These small ones don't even eat T-Rex meat, preferring a small amount of peppermint tea and cinnamon toast instead. On the whole, much easier to manage.

Materials

• Masking Tape
• Foil
• Sticks
• Duct Tape
• Paint
• Spray Paint
• Bindis/Acrylic Paint/The facilities to perform a large and complicated ritual to bring your dragon to life
• Courage
• Peppermint Tea

Tools

• Hot glue gun
• Scissors
• Pliers
• Wirecutters
• Paintbrush
• Patience
• If worst comes to worst, a hot poker to keep your dragon under control.

Cut your wire. Mine was about 25 cm long, although this differs depending on what size dragon you want to make. If your wire begins to drip vermilion pus, stop immediately and wrap it in a pear-juice soaked piece of cheese while thinking loudly IT WASN'T ME! IT WASN'T ME! until it goes back to ordinary, non-dripping wire.

Bend your wire to whatever shape you want your dragon to be. Don't forget to use your pliers to make a little loop for the head and a kink where the tail begins.

Once you've finished, be sure to put the wirecutters back in an airtight titanium box with ample food and water along with a strong muzzle. Safety first!

There are exactly two ways you can go about this step.

1. Actually feed the wire peppermint tea. This never goes well and doesn't actually work. I don't recommend it.
2. Or the sensible way: With foil and tape.

If you go for the latter way, crumple foil around the body and head. Wrap masking tape around it and form a few layers until you're happy with the look. Mold the foil with your hands, claws or ethereal mists until you like the shape, remembering that now is your last chance to reshape the wire dragon body. Wrap the tail in tape as well. Also glue a pair of sticks on to either side of the head to act as horns.

If you chose the first way, I cannot help you. You are too far gone. There is no going back...

This step represents your last chance of escape. Your last chance to give up this project and go back to semi-normal life.

Well?

No?

Then read on. Read on...

Mold foil into little 3d legs and wrap them in masking tape. Make sure to pack the foil down hard, as it not only has to hold the weight of the dragon body but also all that peppermint tea!

Once you've made all your legs, (I made four but you can make 1, 5, 10, 10,000,000 or really however many you want) put a little dab of hot melt glue where you want to stick the leg and press it on. If you are using your ethereal mists instead of hands, be sure to wear a sponge.

Wait for the glue to dry, then put more masking tape over the leg joints until they look like part of the body rather than a strange cricket bat thing balanced on top of a crescent moon.

Cut some more wire. A lot more. Bend it so that there are two 'fingers' on either side, and...

Gah, you know what, just look at the pictures. Watch out for Southern Spiky Internet Brainworms.

Oh, and now you've (hopefully) got the wingframe shape, wrap it in masking tape! Store the wirecutters safely as instructed in step one. Keep any pets at least 35 metres away from the wirecutters at all times, with the exception of mice, who must stay right next to the wirecutters day and night.

Get a piece of duct tape. Do not use a piece of duck meat instead. That would be bad.

Stick the duct tape in between the two prongs of one of your wings. Fold over any loose ends. Cut another piece of duct tape and stick it on the other side of the same wing. Repeat until both wings are both sides covered in duct tape.

Cut a little hole into the dragon's back with scissors, making sure to give the dragon anesthetic beforehand. Glue the wings in as shown, afterwards covering up the ragged wound with yet more masking tape. Then continue with an almost palpable feeling of dread, knowing that really, it is not your choice...

Fun! Paint! Spray! Doom! Death!

Need I say more?

Ok, ok. Spray paint your dragon! You can paint it any colour you want, although I'm not sure if spray paint comes in igldy, prand or any other non visible spectrum colours. I had an old can of gold paint that only came out in little dots, so I misted it with that as well. Some spray paint cans contain only tentacled, carnivorous monsters and no paint whatsoever, so be careful.

If you don't have the time, energy or raw human flesh to host a massive and barbarous Bring-To-Life ritual, then simply stick a bindi (those stick-on jewelry that Indian women wear as a third eye) onto each side of the dragon's head as eyes. You could also dab a small blob of paint to the same place.

Prepare peppermint tea. Take care of your dragon. And most importantly, never ever give it a shovel.